(Y1) my yerida

nothing is written in stone and there are no guarantees in life, but my plan is to leave israel about july 1st. i have been here a little less than 4 years and i don't feel at home. my cousin zev wrote in a recent letter, i never understood why you made aliya. you are a new yorker and will always be a new yorker, so why would you move to israel.

here's what i wrote back today:i do not regret my time spent in israel, if only for the writing that i've done. it was also something that i had accepted as "fact" when i was young. (i will move to israel when i grow up.) and even though various other facts i had accepted when i was young (i will be religious when i grow up, i will get married when i grow up, i will have children when i grow up) were not borne out by reality, i accept that i wanted to make the aliya thing a reality. i do feel that there is a bit of a contradiction between loyalty to israel and living in america and thus an attempt at aliya made sense on that level. i think most americans who make aliya go through crises during the first seven years of their aliya, but whereas they have kids in school as a factor which keeps them in israel, my childlessness is an "advantage" in this case. I am also glad that i got to experience living here and learning as much arabic as i did and i regret many things i didn't do here that i had imagined i would do here, but when elvis or sinatra sing "my way", i change the words to- "regrets i have a few, but then again too many to mention."

i should add that because mention rhymes with bentsching that is usually included at the end of whatever verse i try to follow up the "my way" verse with.

"And thanks, the food was good, but will somebody please start the bensching."

at the midr'chov a guitar player played dylan's tambourine man as i was leaving and some song that said home is wherever i am when i arrived there. is new york home? is jerusalem home? i certainly feel like prison here. certainly the deprivation of ganga is a major player in my moods and that element confuses me: am i going back to new york just for the ganga? but there you have it.

mich, norm are the primary concerns of regret. but the fact that i have not informed tova and pnina yet of how solid my plans are, also indicates that there are other regrets.

I guess i am glad i was in israel for amital's funeral and got to say hello to him one last time at kenny's son's wedding.